it's not always easy but it's always worth it

For the most part, I've keep my letters to you very positive and upbeat. I don't want you to think that being a parent is easy, it isn't. But I also don't want you to look back one day and think that I, for a second, did not love being your mom. Parenting is hard. Some days I'm exhausted. There are times when I lose my patience (by the time you're able to read this, I'm sure you'll be well aware of that). I am constantly trying to be a better person for you but that isn't always easy either.

Some days, I truly doubt that I am a good parent. Like the time I zipped up your skin in a vest (you still have a scar). I literally called your dad and said that you deserve a better mom than me. It was an accident (obviously) but I just felt so awful that I had hurt you even though it was completely unintentional. It still stings me a little every time I catch a glimpse of that scar.
Or the times I've cursed because you've bit me while nursing and you started to cry. I scared you. Then I felt so awful but still yelped the next time you bit me and you still cried.
I also get stressed out about all of the things that need to get done and on a time-frame (again,  you're likely well aware of this by now). I'm working on chilling out (thankfully you have your dad to balance me out) but it isn't always easy for me.

Then, there are days like today. Today was an awesome day. Today felt easy. I have written before about days that I dreamed about, today was one of those days. I loved every second of it and you were amazing (you always are, but particularly awesome today!).
I took you out for breakfast, we did some shopping, then went out for dinner with grandma Leslie. You went to bed like a dream and were happy from the minute you woke up until I laid you down for bed. I enjoyed it all.

I cried reading you your bedtime story. I am going to miss this so much. I am having such a hard time thinking about going back to work next week. I don't know what I am going to do when I don't get to spend my days with you. Yes, there are times I absolutely long for a break, but I'd rather have no breaks than miss you. I am going to miss you so much. Sure, I'll be getting you up early, picking you up after work, feeding you and putting you to bed but I won't get to play with you as much as I want during the day. There will be times where you have "firsts" at daycare and I already know it'll be so hard for me.

You make it easy to love you and so hard to miss you.

All of the rough days, all of the frustrating moments, no matter how many times I feel like I want to pull my hair out... and then you smile or laugh, the kind you do just for me and it makes it ALL worth it.
I wouldn't trade a second with you for anything.
Thankfully, you've liked the time you've already spent in daycare and I know you're in good hands. But they aren't MY hands.

I'll try and stay a little positive here, I am going to try my hardest to make EVERY second of our weekends together count and every other moment we have together. I will try to not rush, to slow things down, to enjoy it all, no matter how hard. And when I can't, I have your daddy and you to remind me.

I love you so much sweet girl and I wouldn't be going back if I didn't have to and deep down I know we will still have so many special moments together.

All my heart,
mommy