I love who you are right now

I needed to write you today.

One, because I don't do it nearly enough.

Two, because I know I will feel this way a number of times in the future (because I already have felt this way) but I needed to say: I just love who you are right now.

I will always love you. Always. But there are bound to be ages/stages that I adore. This is one.

You're almost 18 months. 18 months?! I can't believe that. In such a short time I have come to know and love you more than as if I had known you my lifetime and then some.

You are a little girl now. My little tiny baby is gone and a little girl has emerged. This little person who continues to grown and astound me each and every day.

I am biased, but I know that you're brilliant. You look at the world with such wonder and curiosity and you pick it all up. You repeat everything but you're not just repeating, you know.

On the way home tonight, after you had finished your granola bar, you ever-so-sweetly said "momma, more granola bar please". I smiled, and silently giggled at your brilliance. Not many 18 month olds say sentences that make sense, let alone make sure to use their manners.

Initially, I explained we had no more. You said "no" and then whined a little and then repeated your polite request.

I don't like to give in to you all of the time but I caved this time.

I write this to you so you know just how much I delight in you but also so I don't forget.

Watching your personality grow, seeing you become your own little person, it's seriously the most amazing thing I have ever been witness to.

You're kind, sweet and so smart. You make sure to say goodnight to Lilo and the fishies. You randomly give Lilo pets throughout the day. You LOVE to help me do anything but particularly move the laundry from the washer to the dryer. It takes so much longer but the look of pride on your face when we're finished is worth ALL the extra time and them some.

I hope you'll always enjoy helping me, even half that much.

You don't let me put you to bed right now, not if daddy's home. I let it hurt my feelings at first, but the genuine hugs and kisses you give me before he takes you up serves as a reminder to me, that you love me, but sometimes a little girl needs her daddy. I take sincere comfort knowing you have an amazing bond with your daddy and I know his heart glows when you'll only go to sleep for him. It might not always be this way, so we both have to enjoy it for what it is.

Lastly, because this could go on forever, you have the BEST laugh. It's cute and sometimes kind of sneaky and it never EVER fails to bring a smile to my face. You need to know, that so many times a day your dad and I will both see or hear you do something super cute and we both just look at each other with such love. I'm sure we're both thinking "could she be any cuter?". We are so blessed to be witness to all you're showing up. You made us parents almost 18 months ago and  you've taught us was true love is every minute of the way.

I love you sweet girl...

the zoo

It was a beautiful day today so daddy and I decided we would take an impromptu trip to the zoo!!!

You were the cutest. Pretty excited to see all the animals (though you didn't like the goats getting up close and personal) and you pointed at ALL of them. You also made a "fffff" sound (your version of a dog bark) for every single animal. It was pretty cute.

We got a season's pass so there will be a few more zoo trips in your near future.

We came home and spent most of the afternoon outside. You had so much fun playing outside but we discovered you have a fear of grass! You seriously hate it. You got mad anytime you touched it. We are going to have to work on that!

You were such a happy girl today and so much fun. You've been a little grumpy pants lately because I think you have some teeth coming in. You have also been partying in the middle of the night so we have all been a little tired as of late.

Love you so much  baby girl, so glad we get another weekend day together!

sleep tight

xoxo 

mommy

you're a rockstar

You had your one year appointment today (a month late mind you) and I was so proud of you. You got poked and prodded and had to endure THREE needles! THREE! You cried but only while they were being administered and as soon as the doc was done, you hugged me tight, cuddled me and stopped crying immediately. 

You were a ray of sunshine the majority of the rest of the day. We had an awesome day together. 

You made me laugh constantly, played happily while I folded laundry, and you ate so much! I think I'm more impressed by you each day. 

You weigh 20.6lbs and are 29.5 inches tall. You are PERFECT.

I also caught you standing a few times without holding on. You may just be walking sooner than we think! 

You're a chatterbox for sure. Constantly talking these days. I wish I knew what you were saying half the time. Some words you say (that I understand): mom, daddy, up, ball, bubble, doggie, hi. 

It seems like you're saying (or trying to say) something new every day.

I'm going away for a girls weekend this weekend. My first and longest night away from you. I'm excited to have some adult time but I'm going to miss you like crazy. I know daddy will ta.ke care for you and you''ll have so much fun. Daddy seems to be your favorite these days. 

Today when we were leaving a store you started waving and yelling "daddy" at a man in a uniform like your dads. You were so excited and I felt so bad I couldn't make your dad appear at that moment. The connection you two have is so special. Your face just lights up when he comes home at night

I love you my sweet, perfectly growing girl. I'll miss you like crazy this weekend but I loved having our day together today. 

Sleep tight my princess

mommy xoxo

the park

today you went to the park for the first time. You went in a swing, went down the slide and walked around the playground (with mommy's help) all for the first time. You did it all with a smile on your face (as if you would do it any other way).

It was a beautiful day, made more beautiful by your happy smile. 

We took you out for dinner and you were hamming it up like you always do! I'm so thankful I only had to work one day last week and that our first weekend together is a long one! 

You and I still have another day together before I go back to work, so we will make it count! Maybe another trip to the park, or walk around the neighborhood. Either way, I know you'll be smiling and so will I.

Love you my sweet girl. xo

mommy

it's not always easy but it's always worth it

For the most part, I've keep my letters to you very positive and upbeat. I don't want you to think that being a parent is easy, it isn't. But I also don't want you to look back one day and think that I, for a second, did not love being your mom. Parenting is hard. Some days I'm exhausted. There are times when I lose my patience (by the time you're able to read this, I'm sure you'll be well aware of that). I am constantly trying to be a better person for you but that isn't always easy either.

Some days, I truly doubt that I am a good parent. Like the time I zipped up your skin in a vest (you still have a scar). I literally called your dad and said that you deserve a better mom than me. It was an accident (obviously) but I just felt so awful that I had hurt you even though it was completely unintentional. It still stings me a little every time I catch a glimpse of that scar.
Or the times I've cursed because you've bit me while nursing and you started to cry. I scared you. Then I felt so awful but still yelped the next time you bit me and you still cried.
I also get stressed out about all of the things that need to get done and on a time-frame (again,  you're likely well aware of this by now). I'm working on chilling out (thankfully you have your dad to balance me out) but it isn't always easy for me.

Then, there are days like today. Today was an awesome day. Today felt easy. I have written before about days that I dreamed about, today was one of those days. I loved every second of it and you were amazing (you always are, but particularly awesome today!).
I took you out for breakfast, we did some shopping, then went out for dinner with grandma Leslie. You went to bed like a dream and were happy from the minute you woke up until I laid you down for bed. I enjoyed it all.

I cried reading you your bedtime story. I am going to miss this so much. I am having such a hard time thinking about going back to work next week. I don't know what I am going to do when I don't get to spend my days with you. Yes, there are times I absolutely long for a break, but I'd rather have no breaks than miss you. I am going to miss you so much. Sure, I'll be getting you up early, picking you up after work, feeding you and putting you to bed but I won't get to play with you as much as I want during the day. There will be times where you have "firsts" at daycare and I already know it'll be so hard for me.

You make it easy to love you and so hard to miss you.

All of the rough days, all of the frustrating moments, no matter how many times I feel like I want to pull my hair out... and then you smile or laugh, the kind you do just for me and it makes it ALL worth it.
I wouldn't trade a second with you for anything.
Thankfully, you've liked the time you've already spent in daycare and I know you're in good hands. But they aren't MY hands.

I'll try and stay a little positive here, I am going to try my hardest to make EVERY second of our weekends together count and every other moment we have together. I will try to not rush, to slow things down, to enjoy it all, no matter how hard. And when I can't, I have your daddy and you to remind me.

I love you so much sweet girl and I wouldn't be going back if I didn't have to and deep down I know we will still have so many special moments together.

All my heart,
mommy

this is it

With a very heavy heart, I will be returning to work tomorrow. Today was my actual return date, but you had other plans apparently. You spent the majority of yesterday morning crying uncontrollably. Since you don't EVER cry, I knew something wasn't right. No matter what I did, I couldn't calm you. Off to the clinic we went and you were diagnosed with a double ear infection. Poor girl. You started antibiotics right away and seem to be on the mend.

I think you just needed another day with your mommy.

Seeing you in pain like that was absolutely gut-wrenching. I hated every second of it and wish I could have traded you places.  I am glad I didn't wait to take you in to the clinic and I am also very happy the medication started working so quick.

So tomorrow morning we will begin our new routine. I know we will figure it out, it may take some time but we'll get it.

I also know you'll be a star at daycare, you always are. I'm more worried about me! How on earth can I be away from you so much? I'm not sure my heart can take it.

Know this little pumpkin, I will be missing you every second of every day that you are not with me.

I love you more than anything sweet girl.

mommy
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